Finding Hope AFter Hurt: OUr Story

Dave Byers

January 2006

With a gleam of tears in her eyes, my sister pulled back from our embrace, smiled and said, “It’s good to have the ‘Old Rachel’ back.”  A moment’s flood of pain and heartache rushed through me before I nodded my head.  I knew exactly what she meant.  And then joy spread to my heart.

So begins the telling of our story these past few years.

It started when we responded in obedience to what we believed God was inviting us to join Him in:   taking the Gospel into the dark parts of Europe.  It was not a call to missions or a call to Germany.  God had already called us to love Him and love others long before this day.  It was more like an invitation and opportunity to put our faith in action and trust Him more than we had been doing.  We had a choice, but our hearts compelled us to go.  We made plans to resign from our jobs, seek marriage counseling, good Bible training, and begin asking others for support. 

The testing had only begun.

Commissioning with Gem

In February of 2003, we were commissioned as missionaries with Greater Europe Mission (GEM),   working with EuroTeam to assist local European ministry needs through service projects and relief work.  Not having a home church at the time, and knowing this was a key priority, we set support raising aside and pursued a local church to call home.

In the Fall of 2003, it was very clear that Grace Community Church was that home.  Since then we have loved being involved in helping and leading small groups in the middle school and high school ministries, as well as ministry to the poor and homeless.

By the turn of 2004, we started marriage counseling to investigate and understand the hurts/sexual abuse of Rachel’s past, Dave’s internal conflicts and how we as a married couple could serve God and each other best.  Facing and dealing with abuse was scary.  Early in our marriage we faced painful obstacles in our sexual intimacy and Rachel battled many feelings of worthlessness.  A quiet and slow distance started to creep between us.  Instead of pulling together, it was easier to pull apart.  We had become individuals instead of one flesh... trying to deal with the stress on our own.

It felt embarrassing to be pursuing missions having so much out of whack.  We felt like failures.  God shattered those lies and distances between us.  As we got down on the ground, close to the broken shards, we risked getting cut by our own pain and fears.  God wanted us there and showed us that we couldn’t pray or medicate ourselves through pain or the past.  We had to face it.

Our marriage became our number one priority and when we move overseas, we want it to remain a priority.  Our mission agreed with this and made it a pre-field goal.  We began to raise support and momentum built quickly, bringing in 25% of our monthly need.  At summer’s end of 2004 we were introduced before our church and sent forth with encouragement from our mission’s team.  October 17th was Musikfest, a celebration of the arts and missions fund-raiser.  It was a great night of music, dance, worship and support for the ministry dreams ahead of us in Germany. 

System Failure

Wednesday, October 27, 2004.  A day we will never forget.

We were three days away from resigning from our jobs to pursue full-time support raising; flying to Germany for 16 days, and then taking a major cross-country trip to California to seek out new support.  That Wednesday was also our last counseling session.  A closure session to mark the accomplishment of our goals and official “clearance” to move forward.  God was beautifully orchestrating all of it.  It was hard for Rachel to resign from her job because it was one of the best places she had ever worked.  She was well liked and they were planning a big going away party for her.

But instead of a celebration day, late that afternoon, while performing a routine job assignment, Rachel was cornered by a co-worker, and raped.  Confusion, pain, heartache, rage, and a complete system failure fell upon us.  Nothing made sense.

AFtermath and Healing

We sent out an e-mail telling of a family crisis and our need to postpone our travel plans.  We went on inactive status with GEM to take the pressure of raising support off of us, so that we could focus on working through the trauma. 

We wish we could tell you that this was a case-closed matter and the one who attacked Rachel is    serving time in prison, but that is not the case.  This was reported, and he was fired, but for those of you who are not familiar with this area of crime and punishment it may be confusing.  Few acquaintance rapes get reported and even fewer get convictions.  This is a hidden, malevolent, evil part of the flesh that the Enemy salivates over.  Our decision was to protect Rachel from further pain and scrutiny through the legal system, knowing that if we pursued it, we stood a very small chance of getting a conviction, and an even greater risk of damaging Rachel further.  Most rapists walk, making the injustice that much harder to bear.  This was not an easy decision, especially for me.  God is Just?  Where was the justice?

A warrior must always be ready to fight, and I was praying for an attack.  I suppose in moving to defense, God saved me from the murder boiling in my heart.  I needed to fight from a fortified position to keep my bride safe, because Rachel had a battle to fight too.  We moved inside the only fortress we knew,  “For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe (Psalm 61:3).”

We both continued to receive counsel and therapy.  Even today I keep working through my righteous anger towards acceptance, learning how loosely I must hold onto the justice and security of this world.  When God sacrificed His son’s life on the cross for all the world’s evil, it included this.  Wrapping my brain around God doing that for Rachel’s attacker has drawn me very close to the heart of Jonah, who I fully empathize with for why he fled, hoping that those he hated would be justifiably punished.  But that is not the nature of Jonah’s and my God.  And I still have many roads to walk.

And you said I know that this will hurt. 

But if I don’t break your heart, then things will just get worse. 

If the burden seems too much to bear. 

Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there. 

— Relient K

New Focus with Gem

After months of therapy we wondered whether or not God still wanted to use us in cross-cultural   ministry.  Our plans were laid on the altar during our recovery.  Even missions, our long-anticipated dream had to be sacrificed if God was to have total control.  That was hard for us.

In March 2005, we took our formerly scheduled trip to Germany to meet with EuroTeam, following what we believe God still wanted us to do.  The airlines didn’t charge us to re-ticket our flights and other  positive signs were pointing us to Germany.

While in Germany we discovered that while we might be perfect for EuroTeam, EuroTeam might not be perfect for us.  I would be gone on two and a half week service projects away from Rachel, and not being in the city, Rachel’s opportunities for dance ministry would be limited, as well as artistic opportunities for me.  After what’s happened in our marriage we didn’t want to be separated like that, and we really wanted to minister as a family, using our creative gifts.  God was confirming this in our hearts, but where?

It so happened that around that time a team of missionaries within GEM were making plans to move to Cologne, Germany to begin a church-planting ministry in the city.  Cologne, the nerve center of German art, media and dance was looking very positive.

GEM connected us with this other team and we started to pray with these couples about possibly    joining them.  In June 2005, we drove to Chicago to meet them and had a meaningful time together.  By August, it was unanimous among all for us to join the team, and GEM reassigned us to Cologne.

In October 2005, we visited Cologne and fell in love with the city, discovering countless opportunities for us to be relationally involved with people, and use our gifts in the creative arts to make connections with the culture.  We still had to learn the language, but our gifts would give us common ground with this diverse and creative community, almost immediately.

The Future

There’s a message of hope still to be told, even in the shadows of pain.  We feel God is sending us indefinitely, to those who struggle with pain and abuse.

November 2005.  One year, almost to the day, we left for California to share our story and seek out new support.  At the time of Rachel’s attack, I constantly questioned God.  He had laid out so many perfect plans and opportunities for that 2004 California trip, and I thought for sure He wanted us to go then.  Little did I know He did want us to go, but not until 2005.

Our time in California was more than we could have hoped for.  We raised support and met many people, but more importantly for me, I saw my bride like the day I asked her to marry me six years ago.  I saw life within her, and life reflected on her face.  For three weeks that November, I saw hope defeat depression.  I saw joy overcome pain.

That Christmas [2005], my family saw a change too.  The “Old Rachel” was back.  Or rather, a New Rachel was present.  Refined; as she has endured many fires to get to this point.

These past few years have at times been very dark for us.  More tears and stress on our faces than I thought we’d ever have as a young married couple.   We struggle with what’s happened almost daily.  It has held us down for a long while.  I hope we’ve learned to stay on our knees more as a result.  Oswald Chambers wrote, “You will never open God’s truths through philosophy or thinking, but through obedience.”  God asks the unreasonable from me, my total surrender and obedience.  That’s hard to do when someone robs your marriage of its most intimate and sacred gift. 

As a husband, I wish I were more consistent.  At times I feel like I failed Rachel.  Weeks would pass   without talking to God.  Some days I didn’t even care.  He was twisted to me.  He wasn’t fair.  And for a time, hatred consumed me.  I wanted to get back to the way things were.  Ignore the pain and go about life like we did before all this.  As if by some miracle that would erase the damage in our hearts or the constant flashbacks and nightmares.  But that’s not the way it works.

In the movie, “Lord of the Rings,” Frodo speaks this profound monologue once he's returned to Bag End, after the journey to destroy the One Ring is over:

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on, when in your

heart, you begin to realize there is no going back.  There are some things time

cannot mend.  Some hurts that go too deep... and take hold."

For some, life on earth will never fully heal them.  We have forever changed, and we can’t erase the past.   We’ve had to accept it and rub it into who we are now.  We believe God wants to use that.

I wanted revenge when God wanted my obedience.  I wanted justice when He said He’s already taken care of it.  Too many days I longed for His return so I could be free from the torment.  Too many days Rachel wanted to quit and quietly die.  What hope is left for the abused, abandoned and raped, when all they see is a world that’s left them bleeding?

In "Return of the King," Gandalf gives this message of hope to Pippin, as they sit on the besieged walls of Minis Tirith, accepting the reality that death may finally take them:

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.

Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path. One

that we all must take... The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns

to silver glass. And then you see it...

Pippin: What--Gandalf, see what?

Gandalf: White shores.  And beyond... A far green country, with a swift sunrise... (sigh).

Pippin: (smiling) Well... that doesn't sound so bad.

Gandalf: No... No it isn't (smiling, with tears in his eyes).

God calls us to that far green country, free from the pain and fear of this world.  Yes, there are times Rachel and I both wish for our day to arrive.  But now we must stay and fight.  Fight for those who say "I didn't think it would end this way." 

When Jesus allowed Himself to be tortured for us... Death was only the beginning.  A path that would lead us to salvation... and white shores.  That is the hope we bring to Cologne.

For the millions of women attacked and abused, Rachel has a passport into their lives.  Using dance as a tool, she hopes to help others find freedom and confront their fears.  Art expresses emotions that can’t always be put easily into words.  I’m excited to support that ministry as she supports my art and dreams for operating a pottery studio. 

The best is yet to come,

Dave

“How will they believe in Him whom they have not heard?  And how will they hear without someone to teach them? 
How will they teach unless they are sent?”   —Romans 10:14,15